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Wednesday, November 25th, 2015
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7:29 am - Weird dreams, holidays, and the saga of sick
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 duathir, I had a dream that it was the eve of Samhain (or so I thought?), and that you stood in the newly fallen darkness and said, "We ride tonight!" My heart leapt and I stood with conviction and said that I would ride with you. It felt powerful, frightening, daring, ancient, new, and hopeful. Given the sorrows in the world right now, I thought I should rise and write this...especially if anyone shows up with horses at my door.
It has been the Winter of Sickness since September. After newly getting well from the Great Plague, I fell ill with a sinus infection and missed my last night of filidecht, to which I can only offer my deepest apologies to alfrecht. I hope our group gets to continue our practice together, as I came to enjoy it. Anyway, that was back in October. As it was, I spent that night feeling bleck and wrapped in my hoodie and blankets. The exhaustion and the ear stuffiness just did not relent and I finally saw my doctor and got a massive azithromycin script, 7 days at 500mg, and went through it. Pressure released some, not completely, and is now back.
Which tells me it is probably allergies, but I contacted my doc for sinus imaging that we talked about. At least I know?
And, in the saga of Why Am I Losing My Hair (When Not In Menopause), we may have made a breakthrough--I have low vitamin D! This could explain a shit ton, including why my ass is getting sick so much, so hopefully I will get a script, correct and maintain that, and not feel like the sleepless dead. (And if that doesn't work, the doc did say she'd try a low dose of synthroid, so if she still agrees to that after all this, GREAT!)
Let it not be said that I can't advocate for my own health, fucking exhausting as it is, which reminds me that I need to put something together for when I cannot advocate for my own health, because that matters.
Holiday prep has me full of feels and old issues. I get to spend this year in my own home, in CA, and that is good, but there is guilt generating from across the country. I do miss them, but man, my mom makes it difficult. At times.
In awesome news, thewronghands deserves all praises and blessings, for she sent me tea! (She does not like oolongs. It is a tragedy. I WILL SAVE HER FROM THE OOLONGS!) Thank you, dear! That package made my day in the midst of doctor wrangling despair. *hugs*
Love you all and hope you are with those you love this week, get some good food, and rest.
More later.
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| Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
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7:14 pm - More lung issues
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There may be another trip to urgent care tonight. My asthma is aggravated and will not STFU completely, despite treatments.
When Jan gets home, I'll call and see what's up. I figure they will up the prednisone. I mean, goody. Just what I wanted when I had started sleeping again.
I am cranky. Angry. It's probably a side effect.
Of, you know, NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE.
Sorry guys, I am going to be your pissed off cat today here. Well, because FB is probably sick of hearing about it.
GAH.
EDIT: Back. Prednisone and a breathing treatment helped, though the ER doc forgot to refill the albuterol so I'll be on the phone tomorrow. *sigh*
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| Tuesday, January 7th, 2014
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7:30 pm - Tea Review - The Goblin King
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From the catalog over at Friday Afternoon tea, this is listed as "An unexpected, woody, slightly spicy blend of gunpowder green tea, houjicha, ginger root, and black peppercorn. This was one of two brand new blends to both debut and sell completely out at FaerieCon West!". People who know me know me of my thing for Labyrinth, and a certain King, so, hey, I had to try it. Underworld girl gets moar tea, yay!
And ginger and pepper. That seems right on! Yes! I wish to have this tea, right now!
Goblins giggle there is movement just at the corners of my vision. Something rattles in my tea cabinet.
"You guys get the hell out of there, or I swear, I'll have you all bogged. Or something. Be good and I'll give you cookies later in the week."
It quiets down, for now. Fortunately. Thank god I just did the laundry and there's no pile for them to get into. You have no idea what I've found in there....
So I get my pot out. Nothing broken, good. Tea's a little tossled, but that happens anyway, normally. This will be the second time I've made this tea, the first being the night I got it, Christmas eve. The first time, I used four teaspoons to 24 oz, maybe a touch more, I forget. Hey, I was excited. I didn't think. Now, I just did a little over three to a pot. Not heaping. But I may have added a bit too much honey. Still. Wow. The pepper, the houjicha--something smells almost earthy, like magic and old books and stories.
This tea is not what I expected and not what it seems.
When I initially brewed it a bit too strong, that pepper and ginger were really intense, back you against the wall and....whoa. Uh. But, underneath, when I'm paying attention, watching what I'm doing, brewing with careful consideration, it's lighter than I expected. I keep thinking I am going to take a sip it's gonna be there, BAM!, overwhelmed, fall into a hole, lose my sense of taste and what the hell I'm doing, and I brace myself because I expect that bite, maybe just a little bit cruel, of pepper mixed with ginger, but it fades so quickly, and I'm left with fading heat, followed by the lightness from the green tea. A feather's touch. There's no astringency, just a bite and a whisper and....
Jesus.
"Would you stop staring at me like you want to get in my pants? I am trying to write a review."
"No." He smirks, folds his arms and leans against my wall, watching. Waiting.
*shiver*
This tea tastes like that. Just like that.
I am relegating it with Courtesan Tea to the "Date Night Tea" shelf.
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| Tuesday, December 10th, 2013
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9:14 pm - Another Tea Review: Cylons for Breakfast - Feeling Human
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It's 45F out, going down to 33F tonight, and my body seems to think it's cold. Well, at least I am able to get warm today as opposed to the last two days in a row. I think my hormones are being PCOSy weird. Still, I needed to warm up--and there is one more gift tea to review. And then I could start on other teas, if only for my reference or to point people when they ask me, "So, how was that tea you were drinking?"
I confess, I held off a bit from trying this one, because, well...I don't have much of a palate for black tea as of yet. I can't distinguish an Assam from Ceylon from Jack and the beanstalk, and I often take my black tea flavored. I could tell you how a black tea works up against its notes or sweeteners, but unless it's lapsang souchong, my lovely bonfire in a cup, or a similar Russian carvan blend, no idea. (Ok, I know I like Keemun, too.)
Tonight I had a mix of joy and angst going on, like you do. I was really thinking of pouring into a cup of WTF and drowning myself in something chocolate like or more Courtesan tea, but I am glad I made this. It is listed a "full-bodied, bold breakfast blend is composed of the highest quality Assam, Pu-Erh, and Ceylon black teas" and I am glad I was careful and used three teaspoons to the pot. I think I could have used four for more bang, but I got a nice dark color and it's just...balanced. Nice. Leveling. I can see drinking this in the morning, easy, coming to consciousness with nothing getting in the way. Now, I was careful to steep for 2 minutes here, because I am betting you can overbrew this enough to put hair not just on your chest, but go all out yeti, assuming you needed to go out into the frozen mountainside for a day. Right now, though, just enough honey to almost taste it, there's nothing harsh in the cup. And I am feeling more awake. Hmm. :) This will be a perfect almond milk and honey carrier. A morning tea and a definite keeper.
Edit: On my second cup from the pot, seems that the flavor is getting stronger as it cools. Nice. I bet I could ice this.
If human I must be to get through the day, then this will do the trick wonderfully.
But afterwards, I'm going back to being a Goblin Queen, dammit. ;)
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| Wednesday, December 4th, 2013
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10:26 pm - MORE TEA - WTF?!
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No, really, that's what it's called, "WTF". I cracked up when I saw it too. The label said it was white tea, and I got it open a crack to get a sniff and smelled...chocolate?? WTF, indeed. I confess, I was again skeptical. I do like chocolate, but as I tell everyone, I'm a vanilla girl, and--why are you laughing?! STOP LAUGHING! Anyway, I like hot chocolate now and again, and my tastebuds adore such things like Thai iced coffee, which codes as being of the chocolate school to me, but...white tea? Skeptical cat was skeptical.
So, a little over 3 teaspoons, probably close to four to 24oz of water at 180F, with sugar to match the teaspoons. I figured I'd need the sweetener to bring out whatever cocoa and toffee notes were in this thing. In retrospect, I am not entirely sure it was necessary. Fearing a dreaded cloying, artificial tasting cup, as so many of the toffee/cocoa added things can be, I took a sip.
Oh damn.
So, I think I really do like these sorts of flavors in teas. Obviously, what is heavy in a black tea is something totally different in a white, and the bai mu dan base of this tea really worked well with the cocoa flavor, mellowing it. I was more reminded of white chocolate than a harsh dark chocolate concoction. This was pleasant to drink and would make a great dessert tea, on its own or with regular, coconut milk, or almond milk. (Can you tell yet that I have a Thing for almond milk? Especially vanilla almond milk? Good, in case that wasn't clear.) It was even pleasing when it started to cool. I did try for a second steep--hey, what the hell, it worked the first time--but that was pretty bland tasting, as 2nd steeps for whites appear to be, to me. You try, maybe I am doing it wrong? (I just pour what is left of the hot water over the old leaves and leave it longer?)
This is a full but light cup, and it's as warming as the courtesan blend, but with sweet cocoa/toffee notes balanced on the delicate floral, and I think it's perfect for this time of year. Another win! (Don't ask me which I like better. I am a creature of context and that answer will change depending on my mood.)
There is a Yule house concert going on with Sharon Knight and a lot of other cool Bay area pagans. I am torn between wanting to share the tea awesomeness, since potluck has been suggested, and wanting to hoard it all to myself. MINEMINEMINE. :) The love should be shared, but I must weigh in the practicality of carting tea ware on the BART. Hmm.
EDIT: I am having another pot of WTF. I think saying that will never get old.
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| Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013
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12:43 am - I HAVE TEA AGAIN! REJOICE! Kettle and tea reviews, found here.
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Last week, I received a house warming prezzie from my fairygothmother, thewronghands. There was, however, a small problem: I lacked my awesome Breville tea kettle, with multiple temperature selection for producing awesome tea, and I did not pack a teapot or any filtering device. In my defense, I was already 68lbs overweight on ONE back, so, I guess that's ok. (Then again, when you're that far gone, what's a teapot?) Still, I did not want to ruin wonderful GiftTea with guestimation on a pot of water on the stove. So, after asking Husbandcat for affirmation that tea is an acceptable expenditure on my credit card, I set about to purchase a new kettle, teapot, and iced tea pitcher.
Today, the kettle arrived and I got to compare Adagio's Varietea kettle to it's competition, Breville's mufti-temperature model.
So far, I am really liking the Adagio kettle better in terms of temperature performance. It has additional temps and the base temps for whites and greens are five degrees cooler, and my taste buds tell me this actually does make a difference. Despite my attention to timing, I've often felt my whites were a little overdone. NOT NOW. Oh, and it has a delicate setting of 150F for the more fragile teas. Boss!
The only weird thing is the interface. Breville is easy: Put kettle on. Buttons light up. Press button you want. Kettle brews, and when it's ready, makes a "BEEP!", the lights go off, and then it's done. (Our BEEP! died sometime two years ago, but the kettle still works.) With the Varietea, you set the kettle on, the buttons light, you select your temp. Button proceeds to blinky while the kettle runs in what sounds like cycles and you almost think it's done but have to watch until the blinky temp light goes solid and the on/off button goes off. Then, it is done. So, weird, a bit fussy--but I have a warranty and I have read that Adagio has a lot of good customer service in case anything goes wonky.
But, the tea, how is the tea, you say?
So, here's the blog of the wonderful creator of my tea, explaining how she, as a synesthete, creates her lovely blends. Also? She's a geek! I love how her brain works--which makes perfect sense to me. I grok synesthesia, though I do not think I am synesthetic in a major way. (I do think a little weird at times, though.)
thewronghands got me three tins: "WTF", "Cylons for Breakfast - Feeling Human", and "Courtesan". Currently, I am trying the courtesan blend, because I am flattered and happy that she said it was me. (Oolong with vanilla, cinnamon, and clove.) Now, normally, I am not heavily into spice teas--I get phases when fall comes, it turns chill and I like my chai--but this? Goddamn. If this tea is me, I am blushing and flattered because it's lovely and beautiful in the mouth, and makes a girl feel awesome, sexy, and like doing terrible, wicked things--after some refined quality time. (Ok, that IS me.) It's not heavy like a black tea based chai, and while I think almond, coconut, or plain old cow milk will be lovely with it, it's not necessary. The cup works well on its own.
I thought the spices would overpower the oolong but she's got the ratio down. The oolong holds its own and makes for this amazing soft sweet compliment to the vanilla under the predominant clove and ghost of cinnamon. Predominant, but not cloying or overbearing. I have nearly finished the first post and, because I hear oolongs change their character and can often do a second steeping, I decided to try it.
Man, I never do second steepings, because I have not found them to either a. work, or b. do much for me if I can get anything out of them.
This tea, however? Holy shit. THIS is what a second steeping is supposed to do?!? Thank god, I can make the small container last as long as possible before auctioning my soul for more. (3 tsps. to my 24oz. teapot hit the spot.) Second steeping has most of the spice as a background note, like the ghost of incense in the room, and that faintly floral vanilla kissed oolong comes forward. That first cup is all the heat of wicked promises whispered in your ear, with your back against the wall. The second cup is laying in a pile of pillows while he takes his time and your eyes roll back in your head because, damn. I take a breath after a sip, and, like with a good wine, different passing notes tease my tongue. It's subtle and lovely.
Yeah, this winter? I'll be in my bunk for a long time with this one.
Of course, now I have to try and review the rest of them---and then get the Pirate tea and the Goblin King tea (oh yeah) and...and....
And hey, I promised I'd write more, so I'll be sure to tell you my thoughts on the rest. "WTF" apparently has chocolate and white tea together. I know, right?
Only disadvantage? The tin, it is welded shut or something. Seriously, I had to use my teeth to help. BUT I DID IT. (A rubber grippy thing that you use for opening jars, in retrospect, probably would help.) Still, they are cool little metal tins with clear round windows and I like them a lot.
Mmm. Off to drink the last of my tea.....
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| Wednesday, September 11th, 2013
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4:59 pm - Poking my head out
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Hey guys,
I apologize for my silence. This summer has been one of reflection and wrestling with depression that makes me a naval gazing, introverted slug, and I thought to spare folks, but really, that's just me balling up. So, here I am, thinking of you all, missing you.
Writing has been slow. Rejections suck. I need to resubmit poetry and fight the thoughts that assure me that I am really mediocre and that will never change. It's bullshit, but owning that up here helps me submit. That...sounded wrong, but hey, I'll take it. :) Speaking of submission, I have spoken to corvaxgirl and promised her some smutdraft on a retelling of Jekyll and Hyde by Sunday at midnight, which got me to open up the draft bits that were currently sitting for months, stare at them, and say, "Fuck, I need to do something to put this together!" And that's another start. Deadlines are good. Deadlines help and I need to get to them. I need to finish spinning elven yarn. I need to do updates. And with luck, sales. :) Which also means get to Bethesda and try the market there...and really job hunt. And stress. Oh and walk so I do not suck at the Baltimore half marathon that I will be walking with in October with thewronghands/.
This is how my brain has been spinning over the summer, conjuring up guilt in the face of my emotional state that keeps me rooted. Ok, that and I have screwed up my sleep schedule, staying up late. So, tomorrow, walking early, and I'll check in here to let folks know how things are going.
And just when I think I haven't been doing anything, I step out into the garden and see the harvest that I am still tending. We overplanted this year, and so some things matured slowly. This is, I suspect, the lesson for me this season. Time. Persistence. Patience. Gentleness to oneself in the process. Because I would've told you when I was feeling down, that the garden didn't do as good as I wanted it. We overplanted, so everything matured at a crawl, or was smaller in size. But we did have a great yield, just the same. And now that the tomato and tomatillo plants are out, the melons will finish ripening and the peppers have decided to start producing. I suspect pepper production will carry on until, if, we get a frost. Last year, we had peppers into November. The watermelons are still ripening--and may I add, telling when a watermelon is ripe is a thing that requires some experience. We were early on two melons and they were just starting to turn pink inside. It was tragic, I tell you, though we did dig into the the wet, sweetening flesh anyway, and I watch the stems and hope this time the promise of crimson delight will yet be mine.
Among the many garden things I learned this year: Plant early. End of April. Early as you can. Supplement the soil with bone meal. Do this at least twice, minimum, because our soil needs it. (It took 3 times, because I planted all heavy feeders too close together. ALL the heavy feeders.)
Cucumbers planted early in the front of the yard are the most resistant to cucumber beetles. This resulted in cucumbers until the first week of August and 5 half gallon jars of fridge pickles that will carry us through the fall. Tomatillos produced a number of wee fruits, which we have turned into roasted frozen baggies of joy in the deep freezer. Until this past year, I had not really explored the tasty Mexican goodness of tomatillos. This is now remedied, as I have made the best enchiladas verdes EVAR, and hopefully, I have enough to do it at least two more times during the winter. (As I have found whole wheat tortillas, thewronghands may be one of the lucky recipients of these NOMS. Also, I learned that two casserole dishes of said enchiladas will be devoured in 3 days time. Make a lot.) HOWEVER, next year, the tomatillos will be planted on the side or the front of the house, because OMG MONSTER PLANTS. Um, no one told me we were supposed to stake them, either. Two plants nearly ate 1/3 of the garden. So, we'll be giving them their own space next year.
Cherokee purple tomatoes are the best variety I have ever had. There, now you know. Oh, and drying Romas into tomato chips? Do this. (Especially when said over planting causes them to produce to the size of large cherry tomatoes and you have more than you can eat. Dried...you can just devour them at will. In a day.) And here is a recipe for green tomato relish that I slightly modified, using half the onions and adding hot peppers and green peppers from the garden. It is fantastic and now I have four pints canned, plus one opened jar in the fridge. (I don't think I had the quantity of greens they wanted, hence the modification of more peppers, less onions. It was close though. The ration was about half and half green tomatoes to a mix of onions and peppers. I used the same brine amounts.) Tomatoes roasted in the oven are also fabulous. Eat them with Boursin and baguette. Or on pizza. Or just because. :) (Cut in half, drizzle with olive oil. Sprinkle with sugar and salt. Add herbs and lots of garlic. Roast at 350F for 1.5-2 hours, depending on how caramelized you like them. Or roast at 300 for less caramelizing/mess with the time. It's not a difficult thing.)
Straw mulch is wonderful. Use it. Weed less. Water less.
And this is the thing about perspective, expectations, not seeing what you have. I look back at what I've done and produced, and I am proud. I've fed the family. I've fed friends. I've finished art. And hey, I finished writing, submitted to 3 markets...and will do more. I am submitting to fiber festivals for next year. Beginnings. Learning. Processes.
I really must try to be more patient with myself.
Love you guys!
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| Wednesday, June 5th, 2013
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1:44 pm - The Overnight Walk and The Morning After
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My life's been a mix of late of doing spiritual practice work, online and in workshop with T. Thorn Coyle, working on yarn and jewelry, despairing and planning to send out my resume once again, the birth of my sister's first child, and overshadowing the whole thing: preparing for the Out of the Darkness Overnight walk.
Since the last week of January, when I signed up, I was hit or miss on my personal training. When I started, I couldn't walk a mile, but by the end of it, I was doing three mile cycles. In the D.C. weather. For the uninitiated, that was an early summer of 87F and 54% humidity, the Monday after Memorial Day. That day, I only did a 2.45 mile training walk...at 11am. In retrospect, not my brightest moment. My skin gave out before my legs did, and I was positive that MY FACE WAS ON FIRE. Figuring I had sunburn, I went home preparing to look in the mirror and see myself the red of a freshly boiled lobster. Apparently, it only felt that way, because I was fine. i congratulated myself and figured if Florida needed me during the zombie apocalypse (and they were slow shamblers), I'd be ready!
That training would serve me in good stead. Turns out that last Saturday, the temps were in the low 90Fs, with humidity somewhere in the 70th percentile. I felt bad for my partner, fuschia, as she had not lived in the area for years and I am sure she had not planned on trying to breathe underwater for most of the walk. We wisely spent the time before opening ceremonies hiding out in the local Whole Foods, hydrating, catching up, and soaking up the air conditioning while we still could.
The walk itself is a stunningly emotional and comforting event. There is no doubt why we are all here. Honor beads of various colors are offered to denote why you are walking: in support of the cause, for a loss of a friend, a child, a spouse, a first responder, or a personal struggle. People wear their loss on their backs, their shirts silk screened with images of their loved ones and dates, words and messages written out to celebrate the lives of those they lost. You are surrounded by stories. They lay above and beneath the interactions as you walk, a ready introduction for some that is already up front and when you walk, more stories come out--those of the past, the present, the everyday, the grief, and the healing. The compassion, the kindness, is vast, as are the ages and abilities of those who walk. I saw older folks, kids, folks with canes and one electric chair, the super athletic, speeding ahead, and the slower paced, myself among them. There are quick stops every 2 miles, with bigger rest stops with snacks every 4. All stops had hydration stations and portable toilets, and thank god for 'em. See, it was supposed to cool down to 70F in the evening.
That. Did. Not. Happen.
It may have reached the low 70s sometime after midnight. Which was better than what we started with, but I am getting ahead of myself. The walk went from George Washington University to downtown and around the Lincoln Memorial, the Capitol building, the WWII Memorial, and continued through Dupont Circle to end up back at GW. Total miles were 15.something. The breezes around the tidal basin were wonderful. Those 30 second DC stoplights--very helpful actually, a brief pause that kept me from overdoing my pace and assisted me with frequent hydration stops...which eventually led to peeing every two miles, but there are worse alternatives.
I really wasn't sure how I'd do. If you went by the training regimen in the Overnight guide, I was woefully under prepared, but I had gradually built myself up to 3 miles (and often I felt I could do more), and I was going to try for it no matter what. I wanted to see what I could do, despite the ghosts of judgements of my family regarding my health and weight that were part of the stories of my own depression that I carried with me.
Know what? I'm strong and pretty fucking awesome.
The first four miles were not that bad at all. By mile 6, I was getting concerned because I was getting some foot pain on my right foot. Now, I have wide, C feet. One foot is 1/2 a size bigger than the other. Usually I wear a size 8.5 and do fine in running shoes. (And believe me, with all the shoes I tried on, I had the best I could find for this event that worked with my feet.) However, my feet were swelling and my middle toe was killing me. I did quick stops to loosen and take off my shoe, but at mile 8, fuschia and I were both feeling hurty due to the fact that our slower pace was not giving us more than 5 minutes at the later rest stops. So, at mile 8, we made the wise decision to take a sweeper van to the midnight snack. This shaved off 2 miles from the walk and would allow us a good hour rest time to recover and have a chance at finishing the walk. It was a great decision, and I rested, iced with the outside of foot with my steel water bottle (it worked great!), and felt great after the break.
fuschia was not so lucky, though. She was hydrating just fine but her body was not used to the DC heat and somewhere after midnight snack, between that and the next quick stop, she started feeling nauseous. We got some assistance at the rest stop and she told me to go on ahead and she'd meet me at the end, it was ok and she wanted me to go on. I was apprehensive, but she seemed ok then, and I went on to continue. (Hell, I was proud of her for being able to ask for and accept help, rather than= push through the thing.) So I continued the walk. On the way, I was responsible for the beginning of the zombie apocalypse scenario discussion in our section. You're welcome. (And yes, fast movers are much, much worse.) Also, I helped a friend with blisters who was going to just limp on to the next rest stop. As blisters are an issue of mine, and I was doing fine, I sat her down and gave her my blister pads so she could GET to the next stop. (I am still glad she decided to stop then, after that. Her poor feet!) Dr. Scholl's blister pads--awesome acrylic sealing bandages that take all friction away. Miraculous. Seriously.
By the time I made it to the last rest stop, which was some place after mile 13 but not yet at 14, there were 2.something miles to go. I felt fine and I knew, with wonder and excitement, that I was going to finish the walk. Until fuschia texted me that she was throwing up and going to the ER, and then it was "fuck that, my friend is in trouble" time. (I do feel bad, though, cause I think I was a bit out of it and started texting "Do you need me to go with you?", sent it, realized how dumb and asshole that sounded, and then sent the "Where are you, I am coming to find you" texts immediately after. Brain catching up with its own, MOVE NOW! response.)
It took a bit but I found her and she was already starting to hurl. This would go one for about 3 hours straight, in the ER, and I am glad the intake nurse took matters into his own hands before I had to become a forceful jerk. See, the ER was hesitating on taking her back, no idea why, as they did not seem busy in the front of the house at all (like, 2 people in the waiting room, if) but she was going into shock and I think the nurse bit back some choice words before wheeling her to Urgent Care himself so the night shift nurse could put an IV in her and start the anti nausea meds. (Of which...it took a lot.) Thank you, awesome intake nurse and Urgent Care staff! You saved my friend and made it so I didn't have to be a dick. We went home around 7am and both of us spent the next day passed out until the late afternoon, and fuschia continued recovering on my couch.
All in all, I figured I did about 12 miles. I feel confident that I could've finished. I am elated how...easy it felt (well, at least until mile 7, which I and my fellow walkers were sure was a lie and was really 3 miles long). I had screaming muscles in my training walks and barely made 2.3 miles at times. (Walking alone gets bad for me around 1.3/2 miles.) After the walk here, I was stiffening, but I felt pretty good. Oh, save for the two blisters I discovered on MY feet while at the ER. Oops. Says something that I didn't know they were there until I took my shoes off. i thought the skin was only irritated from my shoe rubbing.
My real out of the darkness moment came after the walk, when I called home. My dad was his usual I-don't-know-what-is-going-on-but-hey!, joking self and bantered out, "Are you mentally ill?" (I think that was what he said, hard to hear--and he is hard of hearing so maybe it's a genuine misunderstanding). I said "no". He then congratulated me and said, "Keep it up and you'll start losing weight!". I am sure, readers, that he meant well. It's one of those CONGRATS!FAIL! things he wouldn't even consider.
My mom congratulated me too, then immediately went on to her fears about how she thought I would have been the one to end up in the ER, because "I am in bad shape."
She said that. "You're in bad shape and..."
Really?
REALLY?!
I actually laughed at her and said, "I walked 12-13 miles and I'm in bad shape?" She just changed the subject to my joblessness and her worries about me having no social security and all her next fears about what I was doing wrong. I cut the conversation off, saying I just wanted to tell her about the walk, and she said I did a good job (I think) and we hung up.
And I realized, hard core, that what they see will never change. It only does when I lose lots of weight (and then they pull the "isn't this nice and you want to keep being healthy so you aren't like you were again"...etc.) They have bought, lock, stock, and shit filled barrel, that being fat is completely unhealthy, you will die, are not sexy or loveable, etc. and having a great job and looking good is all that will save you from certain unhappiness. (Not that their personal lives have shown this to be true. But hey, children of alcoholics. What do you want?)
I said to B, Jan, and fuschia afterwards, "I think what she meant was, 'My shape is bad'. I should say that, next time. Not that it will help, really."
Yesterday, I went through my own absolute rage at my response of "no" to my dad's joking comment, the rage and grief at the way I've been seen...and talked about. The fact that I spent most of my life with low level, untreated depression, and later, anxiety. (now treated). That I had suicidal ideation at varying times in my life, severe depression in college that they still say was me just playing online games and slacking off. The galling realization that I still did some of this for their approval as well, and that that part of the venture failed.
It will always fail, to a point. I am not saying I am entirely unrecognized or unloved, that's not true. But they see what they most care about or want to see, a lot of the time, and they don't realize the damage it causes.
I have to revise my own self image as someone who is strong and athletic after all. They hardwired some codependency in me and I have to keep ripping that out with my teeth, if necessary.
I'm 5'6, 233lbs, and I am in great fucking shape. Also, my shape is fucking great, too.
I am strong, can lift 100lbs, and I can walk 12 miles in the dark. In the summer. In DC heat.
I'm a badass. And these are my first steps out of the darkness.
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| Sunday, March 3rd, 2013
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11:56 am - WTF, body.
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Hey guys, not dead, just having strange complications, trying to figure out if I have a reoccurring, zpack resistant or a different sinus infection and I really hope that isn't the case, but, fuck. Because I finished a round of antibiotics last week and even though I don't remember taking the last pill, the pack is gone and I suspect I took it and tossed it in one of my on the go moments. However, as of like 4 days after the finish, I am getting symptoms again. This is not making me very happy. At. All. (In fact, it's making me start to feel like ass with sinus pressure and that wet cat starting to sit on my chest feeling....) *grumble* Guess I'll call the doc Monday.
B. and J. have both been under a metric ton of stress the past month and I've inherited it. Gah. However, things are looking up for at least one of them. As I was having my own bought of depression, that sucked, I didn't walk for a week (also sick, hey), and I need to get back on it and OH GOD will this suck. But I am going to try today, wet cat or no, and then possibly head down to the Yarn Spot for knitting. I have missed them and felt way guilty as I have not seen folks since January. They also have some part time positions open and with luck, maybe they will hire me. Who knows?
Prior (or actually, kinda in time with) the onset of the original sinus infection of suck, I was visited by the ever wonderful thewronghands as she came down this way for Schmoocon. This was awesome. I had missed her company and nonvirtual tea is the best, though one makes due as one can with long distance friends. :) She has been uber supportive of my walking and over all fitness and that has taken me quite far. See, she praises me for being awesome and strong, which balances out my mother's years of diatribes on how I am fat and GOING TO DIE before I am 20, 30, 35 of diabetes or asthma or just plain drop dead of fat, I don't know. Now, she does care and this is all her fear, but for a nurse, and now a much older nurse, her fears are taking over her medical science brain and I am starting to see inklings of where it may have been building all her life. Jesus. Dear Nurse Mothers: I know you see terrible shit. I know you worry about your kids. Do not mix this with codependent tendencies. You will start to live your life more and more afraid. It will get ugly, and frankly, you should not have to suffer like that, nor should we. Thanks. Anyway, I need to do the squats this week that thewronghands taught me, because due to $$ and needing a break this round, I am not enrolling in the next repeat of the 8 week beginner dance class. I am going to focus on walking and weights and then pick up dance again in May-June.
What I have found with training so far: Easier to walk with a person, or casually to a destination. When I think about it, even with having music, I must be tensing or something because even making one mile is at my limits. However, I can walk to the metro (.9 of a mile), take the metro downtown, walk I don't know how many blocks, stay on me feet at a museum, walk to tea, walk back to metro, walk home--and all that's fine and logs more foot time in. That's ok. (I do need to get shoes soon, too.) So I am trying to figure out what's up there.
Not that I have a problem with going downtown to see museums, especially when there's Andrew Moore's Detroit Disassembled exhibit at the National Building museum and the Pre-Raphaelite exhibit at the National Gallery. The former was amazing and the first photography exhibit I've attended. Moore's huge blown up details of Detroit's crumbling architecture remind me of cathedral paintings, and I could stare at them all day. I have yet to see the Pre-Raphaelite exhibit. I intend to bring a tent and live there til it's gone in May and will probably head down this week while everyone is at work and I can have some time to gaze and think. (AND SQUEE INSIDE QUIETLY AND HAVE ALL THE FEELS.) I feared it would be years before I got to the Tate to see some of these works, but thank you, O British museum, for sending the work to me. I owe you one. (Obviously you know about the story idea in my head and are sending me my research re: PRs and the Book--thank you! Appreciated!)
So, today: vitamin c. Walking (insert swearing). Knitting. This week: Squats and beginning weights. You can all hold me gently accountable. :)
There will also be more yarn soon. I am making more of the Shetland mix and dyeing it, but spinning the raw alpaca fleece is a PITA of the highest order. After that, more Mithgelebril! And more fine silvery alpaca and silk lace weight. It should be awesome.
Hope you all are doing well!
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2013
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2:31 pm - Blessings
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Wow, I don't know what good deed I have done, but today is a day full of blessings. It started with a lovely thank you card from fallconsmate's mother for the necklace I sent her in December. It had a lovely rose on it and a sweet letter inside and I got teary in the good way. fallconsmate, please let your mother know she is a lovely woman and she made my day entirely. (Or maybe I'll send her a thank you for the thank you. :) Cause hey, pass it on.)
I come back to find that I've sold the latest posted back of Mithegelebril, and now have to spin more. My walking goal was accomplished today and I got to see silvrdragn and will be plotting when to watch "The Cabin in the Woods" with her this weekend. The roast is home on time, thawing, and I got a very nice request from gryphonwing to friend me. I swear, I never fail to have the happy little kid reaction of "Someone likes me!"--or at least thinks I may not be potentially as boring as watching paint dry. *grin* Oh, and I also got the courage to post a response to one of Thorn's postings on success, which included a bit of poetic inspiration as a response, and so I commented instead of shutting up and just nodding along. (Ok, I don't promise it's good, but for me, the act of speaking what bubbles up is important, so there.)
It's a good day.
I think I am almost done with the winged serpent painting that I am working on as a gift to laurelindel. I...think I just need to finish the sides and seal it. I may want to do a few detail touch ups and I am resisting the urge to go nuts on it with my acrylic pen, because that may be overkill on an already pretty heavily worked piece. (For me. I'm still learning this art and painting thing.) There are 9000 flaws with it and ways I want it to be better and less abstract but I am not displeased with the thing as a whole. For now. The Perfectionist/Critic and I are having a serious talk and I am putting my stompy boot down, dammit.
As I said on Facebook, I think it's at the quit-fucking-with-it, finish the edges, and seal it stage. If I do that, then I won't be able to fuck with it more and can just go practice doing another on some paper and the like.
Hope you all are having a good day as well. The world needs more of them.
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| Wednesday, January 30th, 2013
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12:37 pm - What Have I Been Up To?
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Mostly, spinning like a bad ass fairy tale princess and updating Heartsong & Glamourie with more Mithgelebril and some new Winter Twist yarn. And painting a winged serpent. And fussing over what the heck to do with my life as I job hunt, and so I decided, why not add one more wild thing that I have never done before?
Sometime last year, I learned about the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk from fuschia, who was participating in the walk. She's my awesome soultwin, and we both have spent our time in the dark. As have many of my friends. And those friends whom I've lost to suicide. The number of times I've bene the voice on the phone, or the couch...hell, the number of times I've reached out just for some company online when things felt bleak. Walking 18 miles, from dusk to dawn, to raise money for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention seemed like such a powerful rite, and frankly, I wanted to participate then, but I found out with three weeks to go before the walk, and it was in New York that year, so no go.
This year, it's in D.C.
So I signed up. (I can take a hint from the Universe, when it arrives.)
I need to raise $1000 by the week before June 1, and then I am going to walk from 7pm-5am, June 1st-2nd, me, my twin, and probably J. If you guys could spread the word around, that would be of immeasurable help. Here's my donation page.
I'm one of those underworld, goblin girls. The Persephone in me always needs to go down and dig in the dark to find the light, and this is timely right now, a journey I need to take for myself and others, a journey to remember, bear witness, and walk beside folks who struggle with depression. But for me, it's not just about depression, but about all the health burdens, the daily struggles, building despair and pressures, the burdens of human pain that society forces us to bear--or break--on our own. It's about walking for those who hurt. It's about hope and showing folks you don't have to walk alone. It's about human connection and reminding folks that no one lives in a vacuum, even if you are a hermit, that we're connected to life, the universe, and everything. I believe that, I believe in that, and that reminding folks of that connection is to remind them of love and to help call them back to themselves.
So I'll be walking for that connection, for all the love in the dark.
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013
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7:23 am - Name the Elven Yarn Contest Winner
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Congratulations to elenbarathi, winner of the Name the Elven yarn contest. Next batch will begin with the new name, Mithgelebril, "silvery thread" in Sindarin. I tell you, it's so appropriate, if you see it. Admittedly, though, I also liked quinternion's "Locks of Luthien", and if they are willing, could use that for another batch of alpaca that I do need to spin up.
In the meantime, elenbarathi, email me at lyssaheartsong *(at)* gmaildotcom and I will send you your coupon code!
Thank you everyone for sharing and for writing in!
I am fuzzy headed this morning, working to get back to a more human sleeping schedule. Taking care of my health is part of my intention for the new year, getting better sleep and exercise as well as reading more books. I was woeful on my book count last year. Oh, also, guys! I got a LOOM! One of the lovely ladies at our local yarn store, V, had a loom she was not using, a 4 harness table loom (might be LeClerc or Macomber, not sure, have to ask her) and it just needs a little cleaning up. I am so excited! I will finally get to weave! *happy chair wiggles* It will require a class, cause the thing is so not intuitive, but oh, then!
There will be more dancing, more art, and more job hunting for the new year, as well, and I will be writing more in this journal. I hope you guys come along with me on the journey!
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2012
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4:12 pm - Elven Yarn Contest Extended through Dec. 31st!
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Ok guys, as my promotion for this has sucked due to chronic pain (and we do have two lovely entries--believe me, I am tempted to give it to both of them), and as such, I am going to increase the length of the contest to December 31st!
AND...I am going to increase the coupon code to 20% off--so you have extra incentive to craft your ideas get the word out!
This will, I pray, make up for my craptastic running of my first contest, for which I deeply apologize.
Remember, the rules are two parts. Complete both to be eligible for the drawing. :)
1. Suggest a name for the yarn, in Tolkien Elvish or English
2. Tweet, journal, post on FB, spread the link around for shop to your social network(s) of choice and leave a comment here with the links where you shared the goodies.
All entries here fulfilling the requirements are still in the running. I look forward to hearing from you all!
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| Friday, December 21st, 2012
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4:55 pm - Last chance for Name The Elven Yarn contest!
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Hey guys, you have til midnight EST to post your entry for the name the elven yarn contest and a chance at a 15% off coupon for Heartsong & Glamourie.
Fortunately, my neck is slowly recovering. A trip to a local massage therapist resulted in a lot of my stuff unlocking. (Whitney is a GOD. Period.) Still need more work but at least I don't have to spend the week in a drugged up haze. However, I have totally screwed up my sleep schedule with it and got up at 3pm today (after having been up til 6am the night before.) Ah well, I'll work on that.
I hope everyone is having a magnificent Solstice. B and J stayed home and fountaingirl came by today and it's just been nice and homey. And there are a few snow flurries. (MORE MORE MORE OH PLEASE?!?) Ah well. At least the temperature feels right. :)
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| Tuesday, December 18th, 2012
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2:27 pm - Elven yarn is live!
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There are two skeins up, one for approximately 520 yards and one at about 348 yards.
Due to me being hopped up on Flexeril for twisting my neck and shoulder out of shape sometime Sunday night...I...kinda flunked my Sindarin for a name. *sheepish-but-I-hurt look*
So...I am thinking of having you guys name it--with a chance for a 15% off coupon for the store. What do you guys think?
The contest will consist of two parts. Complete both to be eligible for the drawing. :)
1. Suggest a name for the yarn, in Tolkien Elvish or English
2. Tweet, journal, post on FB, spread the link around for shop to your social network(s) of choice and leave a comment here with the links where you shared the goodies.
On Friday, I'll choose the best name and that person will get a coupon code for 15% off their purchase at Heartsong and Glamourie.
Ready, set, GO!
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| Monday, December 17th, 2012
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4:32 pm - Elf yarn in progress
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2:01 pm - Omg, the winter season is so busy!
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Can I at least have snow? Please? I mean, all this holiday stuff going on--we had a fantastic cookie party, went to another great holiday party (Hogswatch! ALL THE PORK GOODNESS!) over at firebirdgrrl's and I am spinning at my wheel fit to beat Rumpelstiltskin. Aiee. (Still no gold, though. Working on that. Silver--but no gold! ;))
And there is no snow.
This must change.
Dear Winter King: GO FOR IT!!!
*shakes pom-poms of silver tinsel and icicles...and waits....*
Well, gotta try.
For those eagerly awaiting the elven yarn, it will be ready by tomorrow, and it's an awesome lace/light fingering weight. (I suspect closer to lace, but I have to check.) I was honestly worried it would be rough. Spinning the stuff...it...felt like hair. And it was slippery, like silk, but I am pretty sure I retained that amazing luster. Which, sadly, will not be captureable on film, but trust me, I'm saving a bit of this for myself before all is said and done. I've seen examples of other fleeces and yarns, and I think I really got lucky and got a very even, very lustrous fleece. Silvery pewter colored as opposed to a lighter or darker grey. (Well, maybe they call this dark grey--far as I am concerned? Hard, shiny pewter.) I'll post pics tomorrow. :)
For now, I at least got a few pieces up on Etsy in the midst of holiday crazy. They are awesome--I am pleased.
That's "The Snow Queen's Party". You can find it here!
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| Monday, November 26th, 2012
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2:16 am - Cyber Monday Sale!
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Hey guys, over at Heartsong and Glamourie, our Cyber Monday sale has begun!
Enter the coupon code, WINTERTIDE10 for 10% off your order now through midnight, December 2nd!
And as a what's coming soon--I have started the elven yarn!!!
Just you wait. It's gonna be a nice fine silvery yarn. I am excited!
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2012
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2:13 pm - In which I have to squee!
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Heartsong & Glamourie had its first sale today! *Cue Snoopy dance and Kermit hands!* I am so happy!!!
And, just after I texted my friend fountaingirl about the news with a request for lunch, she shows up my my door 5 minutes later. (Turns out she was on her way for a surprise anyway and just popped in. Perfect timing.) So the two of us went out for celebratory Thai and indulged in the crack addiction that is twice cooked duck salad over at Nava Thai, and I got to mail the order out. In addition, fallconsmate, the necklace for your mom is also in the mail. So, all goals accomplished! (Ok, except for laundry, but I am on that next thing!)
Oh and because she is awesome and the finder of amazing things, fountaingirl got me hooked on yet another perfume. Kalimantin, where have you been all my life?! I CANNOT STOP SMELLING MY WRIST, yo. FG, you are evil and I love you for these addictions.
So, an awesome day and needed before i head out to visit my family in PA. Here's hoping for an easy Thanksgiving. Last night was an incredible dinner with delightful friends, including firebirdgrrl and speedlime. OMG, so much nom! So much good food brought! (Marshmellows! Fall Crumble of the Gods! COOKIES! LAVENDER FUDGE!) So much deliciousness shared!
So. Much. Goose fat.
See, I had this bright idea to make a goose for a while, much in the same way catvalente does for Christmas each year. Cook a goose, I said. Be easy, I said. Er. Well, after seeing 9000 different techniques, all expounding on crazy techniques like boiling your goose 5 minutes before hand, all my thoughts of this might be easy, failed. I lost my zen and mailed catvalente in a fit of panic to get info on her time and temp, with the cry of "OHPLZJUSTTELLMEHOWTODOIT"! She got back to me just in time, and it turns out that my intuition and the Gordon Ramsey recipe I was going off of was correct. (2-2.5 hrs at 375F, until it's done, sayeth the wise Cat. I also started mine for 10 mins on 450F to get the rendering started.) No funny bird turning and no weird wrangling. It was excellent, and now I have goose fat in the freezer. Oh yeah, baby.
Tomorrow, we go to my mom's house in PA for Thanksgiving. I am definitely looking forward to seeing brother and my sister, who is pregnant with her first wee one. (I am calling it a girl, though we don't know just yet.) But I will be an aunt again, and I will have someone to spoil come early June next year.
For everyone else, good journeys if you travel, and the blessings of your hearth and home and all the love around you this holiday season.
See you when I return on Sunday!
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2012
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1:11 pm - Twilight in the Faerie Wood
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Whew, ok, I need to get a better photo set up. I mean, ok, I have lights. I have a good camera, but I do not use the camera because the USB ports are hosed on my desktop. I need to switch the case to the other one downstairs, which looks like I'll be doing this weekend. Oy.
But guys! It will be worth it, because then the Etsy pictures will be better. *nods firmly* Yes. It must be better!
In the meantime, I must squee a bit--I am so proud of this piece on the new update. I did the wire bending to make the dangly bits myself--and that was something that I could not get right when I started out. Seems to have improved. :) I totally want to play with wire now.
Anyway, go check it out, share with your friends!!
LJ is always a crapshoot on whether or not it will put a photo in my posts, and right now it's not working. Trust me please when I say you wanna check this out!
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| Friday, November 9th, 2012
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4:00 pm - New laceweight and jewelry over at Heartsong & Glamourie
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Ok, after over an hour of wrestling with pictures, the new lace weight alpaca/merino blend is up at <a href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/HeartsongGlamourie?ref=si_shop">Heartsong & Glamourie</a>. There are two skins, one approximately 600 yards and one 450 yards.
Also, there's some new jewelery up, one with lovely roses on glass beads that was a little hard to give up, as well as another piece that just kept making me think of candy. Hope you like them!
Next project: Spin lace weight elf yarn!
And get help taking quality pictures of my canvases....
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| Monday, November 5th, 2012
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12:53 pm - Heartsong & Glamourie, open for business!
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Well guys, I finally did it, and today's the day! My Etsy shop, Heartsong & Glamourie is open for business. And I might be just a little bit scared to death nervous about it, but I am also excited and happy! Because now all this lonely yarn will have a home, as will my jewelry and art in the future. Please, if you have a moment, pass on the links on your FB, LJ, Twitter, wherever you will. I still have tons of work to do, setting up a Facebook page, figuring more things out with shipping, but as it stands, things are ready and it's time to get the ball rolling.
Right now, I have mostly DK and worsted weights available, but I should be spinning up some light fingering weight soon. Oh, and in the next couple of weeks, my friends? I am going to spin that elf yarn I was talking about earlier in the year. Remember the pretty silvery grey Gotland fiber? Of the breed that made the wool for the LOTR cloaks? Well, I have wool from that breed--not that LINE, mind you--but let me tell you, it's a gorgeous color and I plan to spin it fine for all you knitters who might want an elven shawl. Hey, it's the least I can do if we can't all have a nice cloak, right? (Though don't think I haven't thought about knitting one!)
Anyway, I'll announce it as soon as I get it done. In the meantime, thanks for all of your support, guys. I couldn't have done it without you.
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| Monday, October 29th, 2012
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2:06 am - Not dead.
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Hey guys,
A brief note to say that I am not dead yet. :) Lots have happened--vended at my first show early in October. Didn't make table, but came close, and I will be opening my Etsy shop as soon as the storm passes and we get power back. Which, I mean, ideally, it'd be great not to lose it, but let's be serious, here. This is Pepco. A bird whistles and the power goes out. But hey, shinies as soon as possible.
Also, no hit on the job front yet, which is depressing. I have unemployment, which will keep us afloat, but still. Gah.
I am trying not to let that get to my ego.
Anyway, will post the painting I made on my bday while at ArtJamz, tomorrow, if all goes well. Otherwise, like the rest of folks, I'm holed up here to wait out the storm.
I mean, hey--I have knitting and spinning projects!
Stay safe, everyone.
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| Saturday, September 22nd, 2012
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10:35 am - What the hell, house fairies?!
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Let me tell you how my morning has gone so far.
Thanks to a muscle relaxer because I have been clenching my teeth like whoa, I slept a much needed 11 hours and got up at 9:15. So I shower and figure I'll get my laundry and a few much needed things done, like clean the kitchen floor and toss some potatoes in the oven so that J. can make us potatoes for breakfast. I'm feeling good and ready to go!
I take the laundry downstairs and it still has wet stuff in the dryer from the day before. Which now needs to be rewashed. Ok. Ok, no prob. I grab the bucket and glance inside.
It's filthy. I have to clean out the bucket--which of course won't just rinse out with hot water--before I even start the floor. Don't ask. I have no idea what it was. I lent it out for house cleaning. But I get this.
I set the wash to go and head upstairs to preheat the oven.
I press the button and nothing happens.
I press it again.
I try some other buttons--they work. It can broil, though. The timer works.
I try the button again. And again and again.
I try the Rapid Preheat button. That doesn't work either.
Great. That's just...great.
Truthfully, the kitchen floor and stove stop are not so great and I want things clean before I call repair guys to do the plumbing work in the kitchen today and other things. At least I know I can do that. Mind you, I am mildly irked that I have to do the dishes first to clear the sink cause, but the guys got sick Thursday, no one got to them Friday, so ok. I can still do this.
Maybe I should've taken the hint and quit already.
Halfway through mopping the kitchen floor, I am kneeling to wring out the mop. My head's all off on a story idea and I am not the most aware person at the moment as the end of the mop handle comes into contact with something on the countertop. I feel the shift and freeze as I hear it fall and then shatter. Fortunately, I am not hit by glass or anything. Because I am barefoot, and half the kitchen floor (the half to the sink, incidentally) is wet.
Unfortunately, what has shattered is the bottle of habanero olive oil.
I'll just pause again while you read that and take it in.
But I am using Lestoil! That's a grease cutter! You can clean engine parts with it, no shit! I should be fine, once I get the glass up.
And now there is habanero olive oil on the dust pan and dust brush, which I toss in the sink, and the mop might be spreading things around and I have rinsed and changed the bucket water twice and...
This...this really kinda isn't fair. For reals.
Fuck it.
I quit.
House goblins! WTF!? I am going to seriously BOG YOU ALL! Go out side and play, fercrissake.
*sigh*
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2012
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9:28 am - Thoughts on being active and being talented - Burning the Good Enough files.
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Last night, I commented in one of thewronghands's posts that she made doing all of the outdoor activities that I had thought out of reach or beyond my abilities seem so easy and reasonable and possible. Just...train and do it. No big deal. It's been with me this morning, and I'm questioning my own assumptions there and realize that a part of me still sees sports and outdoor activities like rock climbing and the like as some sort of specialized area when you have to have Some Gifted Talent to be able to even participate, rather than looking at the whole experience as a cultivated process where people find something they like, try it, fail a lot, train, and get better.
And yes, it seems obvious and I know in my head that it works this way, but obviously, there's still some part of me that is surprised at even getting picked for the team, let alone an assumption that I might just have a place there potentially because I might want something enough to go for it. The younger self yearns for the big things and to desparately be included--and is also very surprised and overjoyed when she is! *wry smile*
There's a big pack on my back, heavy with Not Good Enough, both as a low self esteem function and as a safety mechanism, because not moving or daring could keep us safe from (whatever, exposure? Looking like the fat girl trying to do things? Yes, body image seems to be here, too.) and I think I am going to have to chuck it over a cliff if I am going to get anywhere. (And hey, carrying food and water is better, right?) I know better. Hell, even in things that are My Things, like belly dance, there is so much that is just training and patience, honestly. It takes a while for some folks to even find the muscles they are using for a move, let alone work on getting the form into something workable for muscle memory and layering that you have to resolve to be compassionate and patient with yourself. No sense beating yourself up about about it, and last night, I resolved that I would just settle into class and be patient with the process. I mean, I have to take the beginner class 900 times before I move on, and I know this, and that's just the way it goes so it's better to just be happy with the work than feel like a failure because I can't do the oriental walk backwards (yet. It's sorta there. I figured out that I am fearing trusting my ankle for the weight.)
So, for my reference and as an act of daring, if I think of a list of things I'd like to do someday (noting that I do need to fix/strengthen the ankle and get in better shape, but noting this as a possibility and just a part of training, not as any shortcoming), they would be:
Climb a mountain*
Climb big rocks*
See/sleep outside for a night in the dessert
Swim more. In the ocean. More. Long distances.(Get more swimming training so drownng is less likely.)
I'll include the more dancing (pole, burlesque, tribal, Romany/Turkish (my big dream, since I first started belly dancing.) Tap. (Once upon a time when I was very little, I did tap.), English/Irish country/medieval dance. Sword dancing.
Baseball. Hell, at least tossing and hitting a ball around a bit. My English professor taught me to pitch. He played pro ball once upon a time.
Shoot more
Go hunting (Find deer. Kill deer. Dress deer. Cook deer. Eat deer.)
Archery
Fishing, of the deep sea variety, dammit. (Missed a chance once because I was dumb and too tired to get up at 4am.)
Some sort of boating thing, like kayaking or canoeing. Cause water and boats. Assuming I can't get a crew together and go take the Charles Morgan as my own...(Pipe dream: Climb the rigging of that ship.If I lived in New England, I'd be volunteering there ALL THE TIME just to eventually get to do that. Whatever it took.I have a thing for ships and the sea and water and boats and...yeah.)
Diving/scuba
Do one of the zombie run things
Do the walk all night against suicide walk thing
Learn some kind of martial art
Learn some kind of sword fighting...thing. (Actually, I thnk stage fightng is also awesome and looks like fun.)
Lift weights moar
Find more interesting things to do.
*I do have to overcome a fear of heights fo some of this, and find a way to cope with depth perceptions issues that amplify said fear. But dammit, I LOVE mountains, and their heights, and I just must not Stand Near The Cliff Edge And Look Down. Walking terrain and moving upwards is different, though. It's edge-like-edge of building/balcony things that start to freak me a bit.)
Goals. I haz them.
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1:36 am - OMG. Procrastinating.
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It is so much more enjoyable to talk with friends and share stories in LJ than to do cases at a job I am soon to be done with. (Nothing on the search yet--but I sent The Best Cover Letter EVAR to an awesome company that builds playgrounds for kids in low income areas. I want this job!! Sent it off Friday. Checking inbox like a maniac.)
I have to do some cases.
My inner Hyde says, "Still, wouldn't you rather go out with me tonight?"
Most assuredly.
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2012
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1:29 am - What the Water Gave Me (Moar Art)
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I did this one for Thorn's class, as we're on the element of water. Started the painting at 9pm, and was all intent on using the brushes. Finished the background, which I am finding can be kinda tiring on a big canvas, and then took my fingers just to back out a general area that I intended to fill and...well, that was that. I liked the effect and got caught up in the moment and kept going. 2 hrs later, and I think I need to do a little more touch up in spots but, I am also kinda afraid to fuss with it more. We shall see.
For now, here is a link from my Deviant Art Account, because LJ is being wonky.
EDIT: And now my Deviantart account is timing out. I think the internets want me to go to bed. If it didn't work, I'll fix this tomorrow. *resists urge to kick internets and goes to bed.*
( Now it's under the cut...Collapse )
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2012
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12:56 am - Art I have been up to
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Recently, I bit the bullet and bought an easel, so that I could finally work on canvas and get into learning acrylics and painting in general. I am pleased with the results so far. Over the years, I've only dabbled in water color and like, tempra in high school, but it's always been on the list of Things I Always Wanted To Do.
So, just because I am pleased with them, here's my first acrylic on canvas, finished over the weekend.
( Cut for huge paintings!Collapse )
They have a lot of flaws. They are beginning works. And that said, even if they aren't exactly what was in my head, I love them. They are mine.
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| Monday, August 13th, 2012
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10:22 pm - And now the house is still
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Husbandcat has gone to bed and Bun is out at a conference downtown, spending the night in a posh hotel.
It's quiet. I'm working and listening to Leonard Cohen, still with some anxiety for the week, but if I get through Thursday all right, it should all be well.
This weekend, I got a day of downtime with J. and I spent the day working on a collage for Thorn's class, and then off to the fair in the evening. It was just what I needed! I love the lights in the evening, the carnies calling out to bring you to their games, the music, the food, and the summer rain that sent us home. It was restorative, and made it possible to help S. and A. make their final move in with Hasufin--a move that went surprisingly well.
Sunday evening, we went to the National Shakespeare Theatre to see last years' taped production of Frankenstein, with Benedict Cumberbatch as Victor. And...holy shit, that was probably the most intense adaptation I have ever seen, and if it is released on DVD, I'll be snatching it up before you can blink.
More later--this was a fast update--but I think I see the end of the stress-woods in sight.
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| Thursday, July 5th, 2012
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1:18 pm - Changes
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Hey guys, I know I have not kept up here, but I have some updates! Now, hopefully this won't bore the piss out of many of you, but lately, I've been working out as part of Getting My Health In Line/Ass In Gear/Unfucking My Life (as the awesome catvalente would say and so far, so good.
It all started with will work in one of Thorn's classes, and, well, let's just say self discipline has not been one of my virtues, unless thing x comes easy. Now, I'm lucky, a lot of things come easy, but there's more I'd like to do and embrace and growing up, there've been some mixed messages around "work" that I have tried to untangle, as well as a hefty dose of Smart Girl Syndrome. You know, the terrible curse of, "You are so smart!", so whatever doesn't come easy must mean you are not so smart at it/fucks with your identity. I totally thought I was immune to this, but, maybe not as much as I previously thought.
Anyway, what started off as a will honing exercise wherein we did something every day for a week--in my case, a minimum 20 minute belly dance workout--has turned into a longer practice, where I near daily check in with my friend Kaye on our workouts. Now, this doesn't mean I achieve a workout every day, but I want to get to that point. So far, things have looked kinda like this:
Week 1: Hit every day (6) but the solstice, min, 20 min, workout, and one day of a good hour, maybe more. Do a lot of weight lifting.
Week 2: 2? days dance. Lift as part of workout. storm hits, so we go to the beach on Saturday, wherein I spent a lot of time swimming in a strong current. Walk a lot.
Week 3: The fucking storm keeps the power out, and the AC dead. Sunday, helped hasufin move because helping a friend pack and move with air conditioning beat the 90+ temperatures in the house. Considered dying--and realized the boxes were light. Be happy even in heat stroke inducing temperatures. Resolve to take rest of vacation off.
(Sorry, thewronghands my calendar check showed it was a little less than I recalled! Not intentional)
So, I have slacked since then due to recovering from the OMGSUCK of no AC over the weekend and my vacation Monday-Wednesday, and you know what? In that time off...I missed it. I found myself dancing a bit in the kitchen while making dinner. Yes, knives were involved, but hey, no one came in to get stabbed, so it's all good, right? Oh, and apparently, my depression and anxiety mostly disappear when I get off my ass. Who'd have thunk it?
Tonight marks the first belly dance class that I have taken since my injury in 2009. See, I knew if I paid money for a class, I'll have accountability to myself, my friends, and my wallet, so I will get off my ass and go. Just to be extra sure, I posted on Facebook. Guilt works for me, what can I say? It's a masochistic tendency; I was in graduate school, after all. (And praise and support helps!!!!) I admit, I'm nervous. And excited. And nervous. My shimmies are, well, I will look like a beginner. My lifts are still good. My rib circles are (today) better than my hip circles and I still get abdominal cramps doing "washing machines", as we call them. Fortunately, I spent the last two weeks doing a LOT of quad work/squats, for strength. That may save me. Oh, and of course I get my period today because apparently, I am supposed to BE MOAR HARDCORE LIKE A BEAST, dammit. Oh, fine.
My ankle is improving and I am back to the rehabbing--this time, for good. Calf muscle is developing, knee hurting less. It seems to ease up when I do sqats, stretch, and use the therapy band. My core is more flexible and my new apron fits a little better. Yay definition!
However, I am still weak in general on the left side as a whole. It's really illustrative in my gait, posture, etc., how I have overcompensated with the right side of my body, and I am trying to be conscious of correcting this and doing a lot of standing/balance exercise things for integration. Oh, and I'll be paying attention and will not fuck myself over and re-injure myself. That's not allowed.
Here's the thing; I know I am getting older and that doesn't sit well with me at the moment. I'll be 37 in September and I've had body issues all my life, thanks to my mom, and I've ridden the gain/lose roller coaster forever. I know that when I am thinner, she and everyone in my family treats me better--and oh, isn't that a pile of baggage right there, when you really want to be able to do something just for yourself? And yet, we don't live in a vacuum. But I don't want to do this for their approval, only for my own. I want this for myself. I want to want this for myself, because:
When I am in better form, when I am practiced and into my game, God, I love to move. I love dancing like I love fucking. And I love fucking. So having my knees hurt for a girl who doesn't mind spending time on her knees is a bitch of a deal. Also? I'm strong. No, you don't get it--I am not in shape, I don't lift regularly, but I am build like a line backer, just like my dad. And I can bound my lovers 4-5 inches with my hips if I want to. I can dead lift 100lbs and press more, starting out. And I look at lots of my friends who engage in awesome outdoor sporty activities and I think, "Fuck, I want to go too!" and not be a liability or make a fool out of myself, or find my own awesome shit (archery comes to mind and someday I want to climb a fucking mountain, I think) and I am tired of feeling fucking tired. Oh, and it would be nice to fit into clothes I want to wear.
But I HATE exercise. Or a part of me does. Maybe it's just the part that is afraid of the "work" that is supposed to mean "things that suck you dry and make you into a Miserable Adult who's Responsible and Obligated to everyone but themselves. Maybe it's too many memories of being picked near the end at gym class and being called dog. Maybe I just don't like to do what I am not automatically good at. I should get over that shit. That, too, is part of what this is about.
Because it's not all true. I do like competition. I do like performance--when I am good at a thing, hah. But I think there's more that I can become and really, I want to see who she is, what that strong girl looks like.
And then I will ask her to dance.
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